How Miscommunication Leads to Conflict
Growing up as a boy in the 70s and 80s, there was not the mental health awareness that we have today. There was also no understanding of the needs of the neurodivergent. Sure, we had a few odd kids, but they were labelled “slow” or “learning challenged” by the schools and authorities. The playground was somewhat harsher, “spazz”, “ ’tard”, and “mong” being choice variations on the same theme. If you were different, weird, odd, or strange, you needed to know it, and there was no shortage of inventive ways your bullies would find to let you know.
Violence was treated as part of growing up;
Violence was treated as part of growing up; a right of passage, you took your licks, everyone did. Except some of us took them with a little more frequency than others. It was how I got so good at masking (hahaha, yeah right Morrison).
When the punishment for showing up as yourself is physical violence, social exclusion, and mind games, you get good at blending in (hah!) or get used to being alone. Now, let me just square that; I like being alone, I LOVE being alone and doing my own thing and being left to do it. I am the opposite of a team player. I am better at being the conductor than in the orchestra, and, tbh, I am good with it and happy that my skillset fits that desire to work focused and by myself. However, I am human, I like to meet others from time to time. So you try to fit in, make accommodations that mean people accept you.
But even so, bullying was overt in my life, and daily from mid teens through to my mid twenties, and in that time it transitioned from physical to mental bullying, and was even present in the workplace. There was nowhere I could go without being somehow “wrong”. You don’t fit in wherever there are people. Think about that. People would rather you were not there, or if you are there you have some function to perform or other social benefit to them. Looking back, it plays on your mind; were they really your friends? Where are they now? Hmmmm…
One of the things you do keep tally of is the physical violence meted out, and due to the emotional impact (pun intended), it resonates. You ruminate on it, the details being thrown into sharper and sharper relief as you age. The pain fades; the emotional resonance does not. Imprinted with force in your psyche, and I am thankful that, relatively speaking, the experiences I can never forget are fleeting and sporadic. If you are facing any sort of emotional or physical violence, seek help and get out. Your physical safety is paramount.
As I recall I’ve been punched in the face five times in my life so far, fingers crossed that number remains at five but there’s still time. My Grandfather confronted bullies his whole life starting with the Nazis and even faced down a bully on a train aged 86, so we’re a sparky lot us Morrison’s
Punch in the face no. 1 — Little Stu was five years old. In fact, it is one of my earliest memories. A young boy lashed out at me, for reasons I am unable to recall, and caught me squarely on the mouth. More by luck than any actual skill, the blow landed fully and rocked my world. Blood then tears welling almost immediately, followed by the laughter of my peers who had gathered at the sight of two children squaring off.
I ran home, in floods, to my parents, and my mother soothed me, whilst my father suggested that the only way to deal with it was to go back and give the “bully” the same treatment in return, thus making future-you bully-proof. “They’ll think twice before doing it again” was, I believe, the parental advice.
Having heard what had to be done, bolstered by my borrowed bravado, I braced myself and cycled back to where the “bully” was, tears still wet on my cheeks, the tang of coppery blood still on my palate, but a burning desire to ensure justice was served.
STAND BACK CITIZEN…
A minute later, I was back home crying harder than I had cried when hit. Through my sobs I tried to explain that I’d taken on board my father’s advice and re-engaged with the bully whom I was going to firmly put in their place. My tears were not from any physical altercation but at my frustration that when told to stand still and let me hit them, they’d laughed and run away. They had ignored my instruction and defied my attempts at exacting revenge/justice.
My further encounters were similarly frustrating.
Punch in the face no. 2 — circa 1983/84, David E, in the school’s ‘A Block’. I walked into the class and BLAMMO. The explanation, I think I found out later, was someone had dared him to punch me, so he did. Again, I just froze, turned, and walked away. There was little damage, the punch being thrown without any commitment or intent — more a bop on the schnoz than a roundhouse. The social cost hurt more than the physical pain, as I refused to fight and was seen as “weak”. I’m now “friends “ with him on Facebook, wonder if he even remembers that incident?
Punch in the face no. 3 — Adam, RAE apprenticeship, Farnborough. He didn’t like me; I was ambivalent about him. End of year clean-up, I had somehow sprayed cleaning spray in his direction. He claimed it had gone in his eyes. OK, so I did not react maturely to him shouting at me and threatening to hit me. I threw my broom in his general direction and turned my back on him, which was a tactical mistake in hindsight.
Next thing I knew he was behind me, and as I turned he gave me his all. I basically walked into the punch, and it landed squarely on my jaw, rocking my head back. SNAP! He’d hit the bingo button and rang my bell, but to everyone’s surprise he didn’t win a prize. The look of rage-induced glee to panicked “oh no, he’s not gone down” is backed up on tape in my brain and I have replayed it a few times over the years. From triumph to “oh shit” in a second. Ooooh, that’s the really good stuff, sweet, sweet 40 year old vintage schadenfreude.
As I stood there, thinking about my options, I was thankful he’d not followed up as it gave me a moment. I scrolled through my choices: if I responded I might win the battle, but would be expelled from the course for fighting, thus losing the war and my job.
I was also not 100% innocent in the escalation of the event. The balance tipped in favour of remaining calm and doing nothing. Sure, I might lose some social cred, but no one on the course really liked me anyway. As in a lot of situations, I was “tolerated” or ignored. He couldn’t take me down a peg, let alone two, as I was on the lowest rung of the social ladder there was. Also, my lack of instant emotional response allows this calm reflection, it’s why I am good in a crisis. However the reaction later is brutal.
I took a deep breath and calmly stated, “Is that the best you can do?” and raised an eyebrow, if I recall, to throw in a little bit of my fave Star Trek character, Spock.
Quickly turning away, playing a game of social poker as I did the sums and bet that he’d lose way more ‘street cred’ attacking someone whose back was to him than winning approval of his peers for pursuing the fight and I was already below him socially. He stalked off, and if nothing else I had shown that a smack on the chin wouldn’t take me down and hoped others took note and would infer I was made of granite.
I cried a lot that night when I got in.
Punch in the face no. 4 — circa 1991, Yateley kebab van. The lovely Egyptian kebab van owner and I had exchanged pleasantries a few times when I was buying my weekly kebab. He’d come to the UK to seek a better future, starting his kebab van from scratch, and sharing a house with four relatives who were all similarly motivated to build better lives. He had a wife and two kids and was eager to send for them and set up home in the UK, which was safer and had more opportunities.
This particular Friday I was out with a friend, Janey celebrating her birthday. She was driving as she rarely drank and so offered me a lift, which I accepted. After the pub we were heading back to a mutual friend’s for further drinks, but I suggested we stop for a kebab, huzzah!
On arriving, the scene was a little chaotic, with several large men milling about in football shirts in front of the kebab van. It was unruly, and I had not judged the mood of those there. I was hungry and keen to get a kebab, and there seemed to be a lot of shouting at the kebab van man. I suddenly realised that the “mob” was shouting “Iraqis out”, and other such epithets. I also noticed that they were reaching over the counter and grabbing the lettuce and other salad items and throwing them about.
Not really thinking, hungry and wishing to quell any nascent violence, I simply said, quite loudly, “C’mon, we’re only here for a kebab,” and the mob turned their attention from the kebab van owner to me. Shouts of “Iraqi sympathiser” and other similar statements were made.
Now two things you need to know at this point:
It was at the time of Gulf War 1 — tensions were high and citizens with brown skin were rightly nervous. So I was trying to calm the situation, and also they were wrong, he was not Iraqi and even if he was, what did it matter?
I had a 1ft postbox red Mohican, wearing a tasseled black leather jacket covered in silver studs, and looked like a member of Sigue Sigue Sputnik (go Google, I’ll wait). Yeah. I “stood out”
So, if you know anything about UK society, our football hooligan species of bully doesn’t like people who are “a bit different”. It angers them if you don’t have visible neck tattoos, prison time, and intolerance of others who look different. Plus, I looked like I probably had paid attention at school and might know “words” and could therefore probably do “sums”, and thus the crowd ‘took agin me’ instantly.
I was quickly grabbed and surrounded. The jostling was bad. As I tried to wrestle myself away, someone tried to break a bottle on my head. Spoiler alert: they do not break like they do in the movies. Also, given the status of my hair — standing up and shaved from the circumference of my head down — the blood flowed quite spectacularly, which did give me a blood-soaked, Mad Max appearance. That helped, also the guttural animal barking I was doing as I tried to apply some of my brown belt martial arts to the situation, allowed me a little space to get my back to the kebab van. “Back to a wall, don’t go down”, was the mantra in my head. It was then a blur of fists and saliva.
The kebab van owner then arrived on the scene with his BIG carving knife, waved the yobs away, and managed to bundle me into my friend’s car. She had seen the situation, but what could she really do? Lone female, about 5’5″ and less than 100lbs, “dainty” was the word to describe her. She saw what was happening though and got the car positioned so I could make a relatively speedy exit.
All resulted in a night in hospital, bit of concussion, broken nose, and looked like a panda for a couple of weeks. Police interviewed me, apparently it was Reading Football supporters, and no one knew who they were. The scene was a ghost town by the time the cops arrived. Would I do it again? Absolutely, 100%. I will stare down bullies and fascists; not on my watch, not today, not ever.
Which brings us to punch no. 5, which, given the very dramatic nature of punches 1 to 4, is rather an anti-climax. A northern nightclub, circa 2005/06. I am onstage doing a bit as the Little Britain character Emily Howard. Having done gigs all over, in many different venues of different standards and clientele, this one was one of the higher-end nightclubs we worked. There was a bit where I ask for an audience member to join me on stage, and before I had a chance to hand-pick one of the more sober customers, onto the stage strode “Baz”. Full of spit and vinegar over something I had said. Some slight, imagined or direct, was not taken in the spirit of the character and he took this opportunity to get close.
Waved onto the stage by security, Baz shuffled over to me, and I could tell two things immediately from his demeanour and gait:
Thing 1) Baz was angry. The furrowed brow, hunched shoulders, and attempted swagger told me that as he approached me, he meant business. I’ve been punched by people before, so I knew what to expect…
Thing 2) Baz was loaded. The local team United/City/Town had won/drawn/lost and he had been day drinking since breakfast/last night/a week ago. He was steaming, ruddy, sweaty, weaving, and was unbuttoning his stained, rather damp and clingy shirt, ready to whip it off and go full Rambo… if only the pesky buttons would respond to his soused sausage fingers.
He finally got within swinging distance and threw a haymaker at me, which he may as well have sent a text about a week previously. He was also clearly aiming at the Emily Howard standing two feet to my left; his eyes were not focused on my face. The swing whistled past me and landed on the double-vision version of my presence, and before he could recover his balance the security guards grabbed him and hauled him out the club.
Whilst the physical contact was nothing more than air molecules, the intent shook me. I was in my safe space, on stage, where I was in control. This was MY room, MY audience, and he had tried to harm me there. All of the previous occasions flashed through my head; the guilt, the shame, all the other physical altercations and being roughed up “just for a laugh”. All the times you complained to an adult and were told “boys will be boys”. The hot, sickly feeling of being belittled and dragged down, the othering, the outcasting. That lands with the intent, whether the blow physically connects or not.
Now I do not know the neurotypes of the people mentioned above, but I do know that physical violence never solves anything. I didn’t need to be hit to know that; it just seems reasonable to never put your hands on another, whatever justification you may have in your mind. Unless they ask you too of course, in which case, have at it. What you do in the privacy of your own dungeon is your prerogative.
Masking is a survival skill and can be a way to try and hide and stay safe, but you cannot mask 100% of the time, every time. It’s a skill, and with low energy it can fail us, and that can be a problem if it happens in the wrong company. Thankfully I am now safe, have people who love me and can truly say that if you don’t like me then I do not care. Just don’t start, I will walk away, I have nothing I need to prove to anyone.
Whilst there’s no 100% magic spell that will make you accepted into wider society, education and open communication will change things. Society has massively changed in my lifetime. Let’s be more kind and accepting of “others” no matter how “other” they may be or where they are from. Let’s keep pushing and pushing for wider acceptance of divergent neurotypes, whatever the traits or behaviours. We owe it to the generations to come that we share our needs plainly, remain resilient in the face of ignorance, and change hearts and minds where we can.
Take it easy and be kind to yourself and others.
NEED HELP WITH BULLYING OR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?
If you’re facing bullying in the UK, resources like Childline (0800 1111) and Shout (text SHOUT to 85258) offer 24/7 confidential support for young people, while the NSPCC (0808 800 5000) and Family Lives (0808 800 2222) provide help for parents and carers dealing with bullying issues at home or school, with options for phone, online chat, and forums for advice on all types of bullying, from playground to cyberbullying.
Information and advice for anyone dealing with bullying
https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/coping-with-life/bullying/
Women Facing Domestic Abuse – National Domestic Abuse Helpline
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
A fast, free emergency injunction service for domestic abuse
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/
Boredom, Dopamine and the Neurodivergent Brain
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, BORED, bored. B.o.r.e.d…
A phrase that strikes fear into the heart of any parent, but if you are neurodivergent, then that feeling can wash over you without any prompting.
From a dull conversational small-talk social interaction, where your brain just refuses to stay tuned into what’s being said and instead decides to mull over the latest exciting special interest obsession you currently have. Or, your customer, boss, wife is giving you something very important to understand and you are engaged with the conversation and then suddenly your brain latches onto some outlying idea and it’s like being on a runaway horse. You suddenly realise you’ve “zoned out”, and are three fields away from the main points of the conversation and have a blank “no sale” expression on your face. This lack of interest, absence of minimal encouragers and general vagueness is a clue that your brain got bored and noped out of there faster than your tight mate makes for the loos the moment you enter the pub to avoid it being “their round”…
Boredom is not just a lack of ideas for me, boredom is a straitjacket of having to do the very things you don’t want to do. You may be “productive” but at what cost? The cost of your soul slowly dying from this lack of excitement, and there’s a reason.
DOPAMINE.
Sweet, sweet nectar of the gods, mmmm, it’s so, erm… dopaminey.
Neurodivergent brains often have lower levels of dopamine, the neurotransmitter crucial for motivation, focus, and pleasure.
So, to reach a level of stimulation that others can cope with and find acceptable day to day, our brains constantly seek more input, new, newer, NEWEST! ALL OF THE TIME. Stimulation, novelty, newness, we find mundane activities unbearable.
One of the worst “features” is that something you enjoy doing, that has previously been your go-to stim, special interest or other such brain itch, can suddenly stop having the desired effect.
Even if we have done these things before, our brains can suddenly go, nah… not enough dopamine payoff now. NEXT! And we’re onto the next thing…
Is it any wonder the incidence of addiction is so very high within the neurodivergent community?
ADHDers have higher rates of addiction when compared to Gen Pop, with some research suggesting up to 43% develop alcohol use disorder and a significantly increased risk for substance abuse disorders overall.
Autism addiction rates vary; some studies show higher substance use problems (19–30%), while others find lower abuse levels than the Gen Pop, but much higher self-medication with recreational drugs (like marijuana) to manage symptoms.
The risk is highest for those with both ASD and ADHD, say Delamere Health and Attwood & Garnett, and the picture across the board of ND substance abuse and addiction is clearly widespread. See here for more
Autistic adolescents and adults were cited as being “over three times more likely than others to report using substances to manage mental health symptoms, including anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.” See here for more
A Swedish study found that a neurodivergent person with average or above-average intelligence may be twice as likely to develop substance dependency than a neurotypical person. People with an IQ of 100+ may also be at a higher risk of addiction, especially among those with ADHD and autism. Help with addiction here.
The picture is clear: the ND brain is looking for stimulation and a release from some of the more obsessive and enduring traits we share.
The dopamine reward system can be a tricky thing, especially when tasks don’t offer enough reward or novelty. Our brains don’t get the necessary chemical signals to stay engaged, leading to restlessness or disinterest. Attention wanders and it becomes difficult focusing on “uninteresting” tasks, a core feature of ADHD, makes it hard to tolerate boredom. So, what is an “uninteresting” task?
Well that would depend on many factors, not only what your own special interests are, but also the context of the situation, hunger, tiredness, fatigue in general. I am a runner, I like running, have run half and full marathons (not fast, but got them done), however, when running the marathon I got sooooooo bored. My headphones died, and then it was just, left foot, right foot… over and over. I stopped at one point, not because I was exhausted, just because my brain said, that’s enough of that. Let’s walk to make things a little different… I had stopped and was walking for a good few minutes before I sort of “woke up” and thought, hang on… and started running again. Maybe I should take up a shorter, less boring sport? Top fuel drag racing, 0–60 in 1.2s, standing quarter mile in circa 3.6s, that sounds more like my kinda attention span.
It’s not the activity though, it’s everything. Even if I was to take up drag racing, my brain might get bored as we prep and I’d wander off for a look at other cars… people… food… food… food…
What was I doing?
DANG IT!
Flip this though, I have also hyperfocused on “boring” tasks and been told, “You like doing that? You’re weird.”
As an engineer, I was once given the task to make short aluminium cylinders for tent pole corner castings. It was a horrible job, 10,000 cylinders, all about an inch in diameter, had to be radiused and cut to length on a lathe. Then flipped round and the other end radiused. It was the absolute hell of repetitiveness, a job no one wanted, and I was given it being the youngest and newest employee and also odd, and not well liked by the crew.
However, they were not reckoning on my spicy mindset, and I started to baseline how many I could do in an hour, then the next hour, can I do more? I worked out how to speed things up, fixed part of the lathe so I could use the turret (no one else knew how to use it). I optimised the process, and dang it, I could fly through them. Still took me the best part of a month or so to smash it out. Never got bored. I had a chart and on it would record my progress.
Pissed the lead chargehand off, as I am sure he’d given me the job to try and get to me, to punish me for an earlier incident where I stood up for myself after being treated like an idiot/outsider due to his unclear instructions that lacked detail.
That can also switch my brain off, the lack of detail, where I have to guess at the meaning. Just reading a badly written email can have my brain sliding away to other things quicker than a curling stone hurtling over the ice.
As always, it is context, detail, and timing that makes a big difference. I’ve done a lot of boring tasks, but because I made it a game I was able to cope. Doesn’t work every time, esp. when it comes to dull conversations. These can make me so bored I want to peel my face off. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR “CUTE DOG”, JANET! NO. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE A RECENT PHOTO. And you can swap “dog” for car/holiday/child, I wish them no ill harm, just let’s avoid Yawnsville as you tell me about some “fascinating” recent anecdote.
Again, it’s not you, it’s me, always me, unfortunately. I wish that it were not, I wish I had the appetite to be engaged and interested at all times.
I also wish I could train my face to be more “present” even if my brain is off doing cartwheels in the car park.
Conversations can become nightmare fuel, as your brain refuses to pay attention. Put that in a classroom where there’s no way out, but you are stuck there. Just listening. Having to take the sounds and make mind pictures to try and take the info and engage your brain, when it would rather be staring at the clouds or the cars passing straining to read the number plates and see if any made words…
My entire childhood was made up of “pay attention”, ““if only Stuart applied himself” or the classic “I’m sorry Mr. Morrison, am I boring you?”. Asked by one of my teachers at school and as a fresh faced newbie I was not really familiar with sarcasm, and this was an authority figure so I couldn’t lie. “Yes sir.” I thought that was a genuine request for an answer and gave it, hoping it meant we might change the topic or, I dunno, he might break out into a song and dance number? Nope. Headmaster office…
Do not pass Go, do not collect £200. BUT HE ASKED… Are you encouraging school kids to lie? Ity was, and still is a nightmare. Tired, hungry me may well walk right past the social cues, the sarcasm and anything others may instinctivbely pick up on. Not me… Ask me a question, sarcastic or rhetorical and I might not hear it as such.
There’s no end to the distractions as well. Go into work and you want to focus on X but an email/message or other interruption flags itself and you careen off in a new direction much like a billiard ball being struck by the cue ball. Thwack… off towards the new shiny.
It’s a constant round of distractions and trying to drag your brain back to the thing you KNOW you have to do. Adulting itself is so boring. Bills are boring. Forms are so boring that I have to have help to fill them in. My brain goes off at a tangent and before you know it I have a list of questions because the SPECIFIC way they want the form filled out seems opaque at best.
If you EVER want to test a logical flow, like a sign-up sequence or other step-by-step process, then ask me. I will do all the dumb things and find all the points your system breaks. I have done this in the past only to be told, “Well that’s just you”… like being an outlier is my problem and not the problem of public infrastructure that I HAVE to use. I’m hard Paddington Bear staring at HMRC right now and my Doctor’s Surgery phones… two labyrinthine systems to frustrate and confuse, and I have yet to find anything to match them for conflicting or partial info and then leaving you guessing.
Over the years my coping strategy has changed over time.
First I would force myself to do it, now I realise the toll to my overall motivation and energy and outsourced it. Outsourcing is not abdicating my responsibilities, it’s paying someone to do something in 4 hours that would take me two days, and I am not even joking. Receipts. Do one.
I’ll embrace a hyperfocus, and try to batch certain jobs; Monday is Money Day. I like money but accounts and bookkeeping is a torture dreamed up by sadists. Also gamifying certain tasks, and leaning into the fun side of the work I do. Not always possible, but whacking on the tunes and ploughing through a dull task can make life more bearable.
You do you though.
I also embrace boredom, I think it is useful. It shows me that I need a break, that I should “stock the warehouse” with some new ideas, get the creative juices flowing and build something even if it is not a commercial project. It can help the brain remain calm and regulated when it is allowed off the lead and let run free. Like a cognitive greyhound going for a sprint.
Self-employment gave me the opportunity to be me, and embrace my process. You can’t be all gas and no brakes though, and discipline is still a core part of the work I do. Get into my studio for 9:30 latest. Stick at it until 12. Lunch for an hour and then do as much as I can with the energy I have. Some days it’s 4pm, other days and a hyperfocus it could be 8–9pm before I surface. Take writing this blog, it landed in my brain at 6pm as I was closing for the day, already a late one, then I bash out 2000+ words because BRAIN SAYS WRITE… write here, write now, I am Fatboy Stim.
Boredom is not a linear scale and it’s not a predictable system. The ND brain is constantly in motion and needs constant stimulation. Which can be boring just because it’s a non-stop, never-ending to-do list of things which need your attention…
Anyway, interest has now waned and I’m bored of writing this blog post, so here it ends. Now go away and let me get done for the day and out of office, before I HAD to write this blog.
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Toodle pip for now!
Business Plans That Don’t Suck – Because We’re Allergic To Boring
“No plan survives contact with the enemy” has been attributed to various military leaders over the years but the phrase was first coined by Helmuth von Moltke, a Field Marshal and well considered 19th c. war strategist.
Actually, what he wrote was:
“Kein Operationsplan reicht mit einiger Sicherheit über das erste Zusammentreffen mit der feindlichen Hauptmacht hinaus.”
Which, interestingly, actually translates to:
“No operational plan can extend with any degree of certainty beyond the initial encounter with the main enemy force.”
This is often quoted as some kind of sage and wise insight into the business start-up world, but it could be applied at any stage of a business. However, what a lot of the ‘gooroos’ miss is the second half of Field Marshal von Moltke’s statement:
“Nur der Laie glaubt in dem Verlauf eines Feldzuges die konsequente Durchführung eines im voraus gefaßten, in allen Einzelheiten überlegten und bis ans Ende festgehaltenen, ursprünglichen Gedankens zu erblicken.”
For those without a working knowledge of German (like myself), Google translates as:
“Only a layman believes that the course of a military campaign represents the consistent implementation of an original idea conceived in advance, considered in every detail, and adhered to until the end.”
This is the oft-missed bit of his wisdom that clarifies that initial assertion: that whilst you can have a plan, just sticking to it no matter what is not a good strategy. You need something more adept, something that responds to local conditions. The much more abbreviated and visceral version I prefer is: adapt or die.
And we’re the living embodiment of that, right? If humans are (due to evolution) the species who adapted to change and survived, then neurodivergence is in there too. Because if we were a cognitive evolutionary “dead end,” then surely there wouldn’t be as many people with a neurodivergence, if any?
I contend that not only are we adaptable: err, hello, masking? We’re also ultimate survivalists, and I would even go so far as to theorise that without neurodivergence, Grok and Lek would still not have figured out they gotta “bang the rocks together, guys.” (50 sparkles to anyone who knows where that quote is from?)
The ND brain is a brain in motion: thinking, processing, listing, asking, reviewing, ruminating, digesting, ingesting, vibrating, seeking. Meditation? Really? Me, in a darkened room with a candle, trying to turn off the gushing torrent of raw thoughts? It’s like being jacked into the full internet experience, mainlining fibre optic arrays. It’s a full-time job just keeping up, and you’re never keeping up with it all. Something has gotta be forgotten, now where did I put tha…
…You shut down one fire hydrant and the next four appear; the hydrants are like hydra — they never stop looking at you and pointing in your direction 24/7, full-on, non-stop. It’s like a game of Bop It where you can never put it down, never turn it off, never hand it to another person: “THINK IT,” “DO IT,” “SEE IT,” “STOP IT,” “NOOOOO!” Endless cycles, running round, sometimes accompanied by a looping brainworm of a song, or a quote, or a stupid jingle.
Which are the worst, some cuntpany with shit ethics and a shittier product but somehow they’re managing viral brainworm CIA level jingles that once you pop it, you can’t stop it… over and over and over, looping endlessly, like running downhill too fast, your brain just about keeping your legs under you, but one stumble and the jig will be up. But never fear, another ‘jig’ will just replace it, at some point. Or a ballad. Or worse still, a fecking Oasis song. At the time of writing it’s a Sabrina Carpenter song, Please, Please, Please that is ruining my sanity, just that bit of it where she swears…. and the chorus… over, and over, three days now… Please, PLEASE, PERLEEZE FUCK THE FUCK OFF! It’s like being held in a dark site prison torture cell where the music nevers stops, this one, ruddy song…
Another Example: Raye’s Where Is My Husband? A tour de force of songwriting, performance and skill. Each time I listen, sublime. But it’s like musical mould: it spreads into every waking corner of my head. Sitting on the loo, humming tunelessly, and suddenly realising it’s not as tuneless as I had first thought. Trouble is, I am no songsmith, so I have this generic, off-brand, budget Temu version of said song rambling on round my brainium, crashing into every other thought and destabilising the entire lot.
So you’re constantly rushing round behind this train of carnage like a parent chasing a toddler in a department store’s chinaware section.
SIDEBAR: Are they still a thing? China departments, not children. Do department stores exist anymore? Do I go out, ever, anymore? I think that metaphor is the writer’s metaphorical equivalent of a “candelabra”. Something from a bygone era, a quirk of time and place. If you don’t know what a candelabra is, stop here…
Sod it, lets try: Teasmade, hostess trolley and The Generation Game – if you’re currently “no sale”, blank staring at those words, cursor spinning endlessly, failure to boot necessary images, then stop, go back intrepid traveller.
My entire lexicon of social touchpoints are anchored in pre-revolutionary Britain in the 1970s, and my writing style is more bloody reportage from the field. I’m like an Eye Spy with swearing. Your correspondant de guerre, writing from the front lines and the mean streets of the Bordogne, Mid-Gammonshire.
This tangent was a bit of an epic detour to get to my point… (and somehow my ADHD was never noticed as a kid… go figure).
SFX ::record scratch::
“AND THE POINT OF ALL THIS IS, STUART?”
Thank you, yes; … and like battle plans, business plans need flexibility.
THE CROWD GOES WILD. HE GOT TO THE POINT…
But it is not only flexibility, your strategic thinking needs flexibility and adaptability; best summed up: What got you here, won’t get you there.
THE CROWD STANDS: APPLAUDS WILDLY; roses are thrown, and Stuart is cheered out of the building on the shoulders of his fellow humans, all pleased and thankful that he returned to the main thread of this weird blog on business plans for neurodivergent brains.
Often when I am looking at businesses it’s not the numbers I am really reviewing. The numbers are a scorecard, a way to keep a tally of wins and losses. Something tangible and fixed that can be easily measured, and then various levers deployed to course-correct. All of that is doable, but the key question; do you have the person in front of you who can do it?
No, it’s the person that I am reviewing, assessing if they can be flexible and not ego-driven and rigid in thought and action not just their business plan, those can be altered with the stroke of a keyboard. Ironic that an autist with his own routines and rigour is assessing others, some of whom may not be “on the spectrum” for those traits. But being aware of these internal foibles, I can quickly probe the individual about their own flexibility in what their business does.
You have to get out of your own way. You have to see that your ONLY goal is revenue generation, full stop. If a better plan comes along, even if it is not your 100% original, created-all-by-you plan, but it will perform better, then you need to be flexible enough to revert a position or re-evaluate your direction. Too much hubris has cost companies billions in missed revenue and lost opportunity.
A CONCLUSION (of sorts)
Therefore I will conclude (see, told you) with this: as a micro business, with possibly only one employee, keep things flexible, especially at the outset. That means you have to keep things simple. Have one product or service initially. Test it. Get feedback. Iterate. Adapt. Change. Pivot. You will also be up against your own energy reserves; when rejection hurts, RSD is real, and PDA can crater your productivity at a moment’s notice.
Over the years I have had all sorts of “plans.” Nowadays my plan is a couple of paragraphs at best. It’s also more of a life goal or guiding principle as well, and it can be summarised as: “spend more time with good people doing the stuff you love.” Doesn’t sound like much of a plan. No; granted, it is short on the finer details, but more than makes up for that with flexibility.
Over the years I have often failed to answer the question “what do you do?” I even tried to summarise it in a one-man play and overran by an hour. I have done a lot, and a lot of it is a means to an end. A direction of travel, a use of my skills, time with my special interests, a way to earn without the burnout. I continue to stay flexible, adaptable and open to the possibility that I may not know it all. But, and here’s the killer takeaway:
I now trust that I have a process, and if left alone with a clear brief and appropriate (but not necessarily over-abundant) resources, you’ll be happy with the result.
Which could be summarised as:
“I know shit, and get shit done.”
That needs to be on a t-shirt.
Also, I think that might be the answer I have been looking for as the answer to “what do you do?”
“Stuart Morrison
Shit Mitigation.”
Of course, if you are stuck for the answers to, “what do I do?”, “how do I do it?” and any other business “shit” like that, get in touch. We’re here to help and signpost business stuff as much as ND issues. Let us know what your one-page business plan is, we’d love to champion your business!
Final Note:
Hopefully this blog post delivered on being “allergic to boring” – if you want some dynamic ideas and ways to get to where you’re going get in touch, let us help you say bye bye to boring in your business…
Miracle Morning – Neurospicy Edition
The whole “Miracle Morning” by Hal Elrod phenomenum initially annoyed me, how can one morning routine be fit for EVERYONE!? There’s apparently ONE optimal way for all of humanity to wake up?
OK Stu, calm down, these are just some simple tips to give the average Jo Schmo a less rough start to what is likely to be a busy day. It’s not a prescription for humanity, right?
OK, so perhaps my opening gambit does put the bar of disbelief a little too high, but I am by nature and experience a skeptical person. I’m also ND and have my own very specific routine each morning. But, I am open to suggestions on how I may further optimise it, so if there’s no demand for “Hal’s way or the highway“, then I’ll cancel my Uber and let’s dive in.
Just before that let me be clear, with any of the books or resources we share the goal is never to make you feel less-than if the ideas do not resonate. Our goal is to share our own experiences, your mileage may vary enormously! We do want to hear if you agree, disagree or have other experiences that have worked!
Our goal is not to state this book is some revolutionary new way of being or thinking, merely to offer you some ideas to help optimise your day, which may really work for the routine cravers amongst us. I read the book a long while ago, and there’s some decent ideas, minimal-woo and some solid suggestions. So lets dive in…
The AI offered this TL:DR of the book:
“Create a powerful morning routine to improve every area of your life by consistently investing in yourself before the day’s distractions begin.“
Main framework / acronym:
S.A.V.E.R.S.
-
- Silence (meditation/prayer)
- Affirmations
- Visualization
- Exercise
- Reading
- Scribing (journaling)
Core themes:
-
- Personal responsibility and intentional living
- Small daily habits compound into massive life change
- Mornings set the tone for mindset, productivity, and success
- You don’t need more time—just better use of the first hour
Bottom line:
Win the morning, win the day, win your life.
As a summary it seems simplistic, and why I liked it was that it was simple. First thing, I do not want; complicated, or too rigid routines. The same person doesn’t necessarily wake every day for me. Energy levels vary, life demands vary, my lovely ND traits vary and all of it needs to be allowed, accepted and not shamed for showing up unannounced. Simply put, the PDA leaps to the fore here, and if you start saying I should apply these specific rules, in a specific way, or I am somehow failing, then goodbye, hard nope. I do not need another metric to keep track of to show me by how much I’m failing at life. I already have a few that wake me at 3am, I do not need a subscription to another.
But the book steers a fairly benign course, the ideas being more suggestions for use as a framework, rather than a rigid set of “must dos”. So, I adapted them to suit, here’s an example; I do drink a glass of water first thing, that’s a decent shout, especially as I often forget to drink water. However, that water also has some fresh lemon juice and one grind of pink rock salt as an adaptation from other research and reading.
I do allow for some silence in my day, waking at around 5:30 every day, I have a good two hours in the morning without any interruptions. Allows me to settle into the day, acclimatise and run through the various obligations my day contains.
I do use affirmations; when I hear a nugget of truth I record it and stick it to my inspiration board. There’s some solid bits of business, life and human advice. I bare them in mind constantly as they are in my eye line every day,
I have always been a dreamer, always called out for not paying attention in class, for staring out the window and “sky gazing”. The $1 word Hal uses is “visualization“, and I still like to lean back, and let my mind unfocus, and just run through my problems, trying out different scenarios, working on outlier concepts. All my best ideas have been when I let it all go and just unfocus my mind. Daydreaming counts, especially if it helps direct the day.
I strongly recommend exercise – since running entered my life I have 100% been a happier human. Stretching, resistance training and cardio form the running and I am lighter and tighter, fitter and much happier. Just go do a park run, you don’t have to RUN, you can walk, and do 5K is decent solid exercise when you walk it. Get a smart watch, record your steps, thank me later.
Hal suggests “reading“, well I do audiobooks, and articles, a lot of documentaries and you tube creators. It keeps my mind open to new ideas and suggestions, plus I get to see what other people are doing out there on the Internet!
The final S of the acronym “SAVERS”, is “scribing” which stands for the idea of writing daily, most specifically a journal, but I say, ANY writing is better than no writing. So that may be voice notes, or a bullet list or just some handwritten ideas. Keep it simple, and just jot down useful thoughts and ideas. Using an app you can index them too. So just find some time to keep a little note of those simple, fleeting thoughts that may be nothing on their own. But, may build up into a more concrete idea in future.
These are all solid, decent and genuinely useful things, but I am not about to do ALL of them after waking or suggest that you should either. Pick, choose, discard.
My own personal morning routine is a well worn groove and it delivers me ready to focus on my work for the day. If I don’t do it, then I can get a bit wobbly, especially if it’s disrupted too many days running. This is a routine which I have been working on for years, and it has allowed me to have everything I currently enjoy. But this is MY morning, you have to work on what works best for you and your circumstances.
A morning routine should set you up for success… so why do they feel so impossible when you’re neurodivergent? My own has been built due to my own specific needs and yet some mornings it can feel like I am swimming up from underwater, or hit the ground and my brain is off ahead of me and I am running behind trying to catch up. The wide spectrum of morning states and variable traits all add to the post-wake chaos too.
The idea of a one-size-fits-all morning for the ND brain is therefore ridiculous, and yet some of us crave a routine, for me it can be like a life line, a way to get through without having to use too much brain processing. Stepping stones through a complex, ever shifting landscape, just follow the yellow brick road…
Again I believe the message is flexibility, build your morning for your brain, adapt as local conditions demand.
As we talk about in the episode with the right systems you don’t need willpower, you can also allow for variable energy with buffer days, and some simple prepping the night before.
WHY DON’T I “JUST GET ORGANISED” STUART? – WOW, WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT? GENIUS!
Yep, totally hear that, and this is why kindness beats perfection every single time. If traditional routines make you feel broken, this is your permission slip to do mornings your way. Acknowledge your needs, make your own accommodations and design the morning around lowering the impact to your energy. This may mean having some very direct conversations with the people you live with, and requesting they help. 100% acknowledge it can be very difficult when you have dependants clamouring for your attention.
As someone who has been self-employed for over 30 years I have had plenty of time to reflect, hone, polish, and learn by “trial and error”, which felt more like trial by error, an endurance race not a sprint. In that time I have allowed my morning routine to evolve, as my own needs, both personal and business also evolved.
Over that time I have read many many books on how to improve performance, endurance, profits, and listened to hours of content telling me how to save time, energy and money. Countless sessions spent reviewing performance, and managing time more efficiently. There’s been quite a bit of money also spent on optimising my business processes. However what is left is the stuff that I adapted to suit my own needs.
Be in business long enough and the rough edges get rubbed off, you get a bit more rounded and grounded, you recognise that most new things are somehow repackaged old things. Or old scams wearing more fashion forward attire. Anyone got any NFTs they wanna confess to owning? You begin to feel a sense of calm, insulated from the FoMo, that fear transmuting into solid risk aversion and pragmatic caution.
One thing does emerge, when you acknowledge your own needs, is your own inner sense of what you need from your day. What the day has to give you for you to feel fulfilled and engaged in the work you do. It’s not about what the work takes, different conversation, but there has to be fair exchange of value right? The goal is to extract positive value from the day, for me it is. Before I started to protect my energy I found I was left at the end of the day feeling like I’d been ten rounds in the octagon. YAY! You get the pleasure of doing more again the following day. DOUBLE YAY!!
Well, take it from someone who has worn himself down to a raw nub by failing to realise that energy exchange cannot be asymmetrical for too long or else you will harm your health. In my case, thankfully there’s been no lasting damage, but when your body stops you in your tracks and refuses to mend, and enforces a downtime. There’s three things that happen;
1) You get very ill; this is a waste of life force and requires unwanted distraction
2) You stop forward motion; this is a waste of time, a finite resource for us all.
3) You reflect; what did I do wrong and how do I do it better next time?
The key to long term survival is to get to point 3 before you experience points 1 & 2. While you’re not earning, you’re wasting opportunity, which is why an energy management plan is at the heart of my day, and my life. I cannot let the day take from me for too long, I am simply unwilling to be persuaded to undertake projects that do not allow me to align my energy goals.
All sounds very “woo woo” Stu, but what are you waffling about?
Here’s the thing, optimising for energy is the key to my success, and the more my life meets my energy goals, then the more success I have. It’s a feedback loop where I only spend time working on the projects that align my goals with my energy over the long term. My day starts acknowledging that and that acknowledgement starts the night before when I go to bed. I go early enough that my 5:30am wake up will not drain me. I need that 2 hrs of peace to reflect and slide into the day without too much stress.
This podcast is a perfect example of a project that gives back more than it takes, my goal is to offer the ND community a recognisable and viable way to earn, whilst allowing your ND best self to live a life you want to live. The best way I can do that is share what I do, and how I live my life, and perhaps some of the things I offer will help you too.
I am a skeptical person, as you age your tolerance for BS certainly diminishes. However, I am self-aware enough to temper this cynical outlook with a never ending curiosity and love of solving puzzles, however they present themselves.
That’s why I still like to reflect on other people’s guidance, lived experience etc. what are the takeaways I can use to benefit my own life?
Whilst the Miracle Morning is not hugely revolutionary in scope and ideas, it does make you reflect on your own morning and what you might do to have less of an impact on your own energy reserves and set yourself up to have a better day.
If you have any hints or tips, or your own routine do let us know, if we can learn something else to add to making the morning more bearable then do let us know.
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